The loan, the sermon, and Ecclesiastes

The last post I wrote about the loan we just applied for, the post before that I wrote about last week's sermon.
They kind of all go together with Ecclesiastes, which I just read today.

After church on Sunday, I told Brent I just wanted to apply for the loan, because I was obsessing about it too much, and I just wanted to get it over with. Then today I read Ecclesiastes and felt even more confident that for us, we were okay going back into debt.

The theme of Ecclesiastes is that nothing really matters. Everything is meaningless chasing after the wind - except loving God and keeping His commands. The details are not as important as the big picture of living a godly life.

This part that I found very interesting -

Do not be overrighteous,
neither be overwise—
why destroy yourself?
Do not be overwicked,
and do not be a fool—
why die before your time?
It is good to grasp the one
and not let go of the other.
The man who fears God will avoid all extremes

It even says there is balance on how religious we should be - not to completely seclude yourself in a spiritual bubble.

It may not seem like it corrolates to our adoption, but in my mind it does. I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter as much how we get to A, but that God put him in our lives and he will be ours.

Breath of Fresh Air

This weekend's sermon was such a wonderful reassurance for my questioning, wandering, legalist self.

When God's Holy Spirit fills us, we don't need to question every action or feel guilt for anything - God lives in us and He will guide us in the path He wants for us.

Just what I needed right now. For some reason the Psalms seemed sweeter, big decisions seemed more clear, and I was renewed.

God is a conservative, Jesus is a liberal

(Holy Spirit - Libertarian?)

In the past few years, I have seen my political opinions become more left than right. Reading the Old Testament is very difficult for me right now. I have to keep reminding myself that God knows people's hearts - He knows what's best - His wrath is just - He is protecting his people. But so much death and distruction - I am not looking forward to the prophets.

How can we mesh the Old and New Testament when God and Jesus seem like such different individuals?

Mitzvah

This was starting out as a post about a movie I watched last week (Ushpizin - Great movie - you should watch it.) and then it spiraled into a long thought train that delved into prayer and our work for God and God's law etc etc. So here goes.

The movie was about a couple who is very poor, so poor that they are behind on their rent and barely have money for food. What's more, the Feast of Tabernacles is coming up and they have no money to celebrate and build their sukkot. So they pray for a miracle, and the money comes (that's not all what the movie is about so I really didn't spoil the whole thing). I was going to write that it was a nice movie, but things like that just don't happen in real life. Then I was wondering why things like that don't happen in real life. We should be closer to God than we were before (Christ). But it seems like we see God working less and less.
But if God lives within us through the Holy Spirit...

In the Torah, there are 613 commandments. These are called mitzvah. After the temple was destroyed, the Jewish people declared that one could do good deeds instead, since they weren't allowed to make animal sacrifices any more. So mitzvah came to mean "good deed", and the goal was to perform 613 unselfish good deeds per year. There is controversy among the modern Jewish people whether mitzvah truly means 'commandment' or 'good deed'. Do we follow the laws of God only because He has commanded them or because we want to perform good deeds? Do we do them because we only want to obey God, or because we want to be good people?

Jesus said that he came not to abolish the law but to fulfill it. He fulfilled it in that now a mitzvah is not only obeying God's command in deed, but also in Spirit. Not only by our actions do we glorify God, but in our hearts also. So mitzvah really means both commandment and good deed. But, we don't have to do these mitzvahs to get on God's good side - we're already there through the blood of Jesus. We do them because God lives in us and blesses others through us.

Actually this reminds me of another movie - Evan Almighty - which we saw at BADCALFF (which also was great and you all should see). In it, Evan says he wants to change the world, and God tells him that the only way to change the world is through small acts of kindness.

So back to the first movie. I was getting all angry and cynical that things like that don't really ever happen, and then I realized it's because of us. I think I knew that all along, but maybe never thought about it before.
So perhaps the goal of the Christian life is simply to bless others.

Psalm 63:1

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

Joshua, Judges, Ruth, Samuel

I'm up to 1 Samuel now, and reading about David running from Saul. I wish I had his faith. The order I'm reading intertwined the Psalms in with the stories that they were written during - I really like it. Every Psalm I read starts off with David crying out to God and ends with him praising God for what He has not even done yet. How can I get this assurance?

Also, I've read many times where it says that the Lord never changes, He never changes His mind, man does not have any impact on what the Lord has set to do. So what is the point of prayer as supplication? For a while now, at least a year or so, I have been so uncomfortable asking for anything in prayer. I pray that God will help me in my spiritual disciplines, or protection from what might come against my marriage or my faith, or pray for wisdom in certain circumstances. But I don't feel right asking for anything else - like healing when I'm sick or any of my own desires. I mean, if God has His ultimate plan in the works, who am I to ask for my simple wishes? I have a feeling I'm wrong on this, but I don't know.


Today was also the first 'normal' day this month. It is amazingly difficult to avoid the computer and the TV. I'm checking my email constantly, and playing games on my phone - instead of reading or doing my housework. It seems I could be getting a lot more done without these fillers in my day.

Holy and Common

You must distinguish between the holy and the common, between the unclean and the clean. Leviticus 10:10

This verse is directed towards the Levites, but it really struck me. I go to an Assembly of God church (not knocking them just so you know), but I'm sad that we don't have the same Holy Days and sacraments that the Orthodox church has. I mean, we do have the same rituals of baptism and such, but it's not the same I don't think.

I've been researching Jewish holidays and I'm envious of their thousands of years of tradition and the connection between generations before. And celebrating Lent this past year was such a renewing experience for me.

Every other religion has Holy things, but it seems that Christians, who worship the one Holy and True God, have commonized everything.

Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy

I think this verse is what got me into this whole confused thinking.

How do we be holy? What does it mean? I understand that holy means to be separate and different, but what does that mean practically? Should we be physically separate like Amish or Catholic Monks? And how does that work with the verse that says we should be in the world and not of the world - now I can't find that verse of course.

Do different people have different levels of being holy? Do I have differerent rules than Brent does?

I almost think it would be easier to have set rules like in the Torah so you knew exactly how to act and what you needed to do.

I think that we should be listening to the Holy Spirit speaking within us, but how do you differentiate between what the Holy Spirit is leading you to do, and what you are doing out of guilt feelings. Also, how do you not go off the deep end and turn into Amish (sorry, Margaret) or something?

So many questions.

I do think, however that the Torah has a lot of good guidelines in it. It's interesting that so many of the rules were to keep the Israelites safe from disease that they wouldn't have known about yet or to keep justice and fairness for all parties. God knows what's best for us and doesn't just make up arbitrary rules for no reason.

God: not a member of PETA

I'm reading through Numbers at the moment, and I'm pretty shocked at the sheer number of sacrifices that the Isrealites had to make. I'm a firm believer that everyone will be veg*n in heaven, but reading through the rules and regulations that God had made it sound like a daily bloodbath at the temple.

I understand intellectually that there had to be a sacrifice of life in order to be with God, but I just don't get why it had to be the way it was. It seems so ... cruel. I think part of the reason I don't get it is because we live in a democracy and there is no culture that lives like this any more. Back then, every culture sacrificed to their gods, so God asked the Isrealites to do the same.

Also I'm wondering if Jewish people in Israel do this today.

I'm also kind of hung up on the specifics of the temple and all the furniture used. Like the table had to be X cubits by X cubits made from a certain kind of wood and overlayed with gold with gold sculptures of this exact height. Why be so detailed about it? The only thing I can think of is that God figured if He had to live there for a couple hundred years, it might as well be in a style He liked. Also, if it were up to the Levites or whoever was in charge of building the temple, there would just be a lot of arguing over what everyone thought it should look.

Job: Sometimes crap just happens

Job as in the book of the Bible, not job as in occupation.

So I finished reading Job yesterday. I'm not really sure why it's in the Bible - It's a pretty depressing book. The only thing I really got out of it was that bad things sometimes just happen for no reason - not because God is trying to punish us, or teach us a lesson; just because. And we shouldn't question God when bad things happen - sometimes it just does.

Actually I did feel my consciene pricked a bit when I was reading it. I was getting kind of bogged down around halfway though - it's a lot of repetition. So I tried to imagine the scene in my head - Job laying in the hospital, his buddies just telling him to do all these things and God would heal him and Job keeps saying that he's clean before God. Then I came to these verses:

How long will you torment me
and crush me with words?
Ten times now you have reproached me;
shamelessly you attack me.
If it is true that I have gone astray,
my error remains my concern alone.
If indeed you would exalt yourselves above me
and use my humiliation against me,
then know that God has wronged me
and drawn his net around me.
"Though I cry, 'I've been wronged!' I get no response;
though I call for help, there is no justice.

And I just imagined so many people that others look down on - people on welfare, teenage mothers, illegal immigrants, etc. that everyone talks about but no one ever helps out. Myself included. 'It's their own fault they're in the situation they're in - God must be against them' and everyone condemns them and no one helps them.
So I felt kind of bad. And humbled.
Lord, help me to be understanding and helpful instead of condemning.

September

I've been pretty confused lately about many things, specifically about what I believe theologically and who God is and how He deals with us. I feel like that verse in James where it says "he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." So I've decided to back up a verse where it says "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

I'm giving up most media for September. I signed off all of my message boards that I follow, and I'm not using the internet for anything except pointed and short times of research, and checking my email. Also after BADCALFF, I'm not going to watch TV or movies for the rest of the month.
Also, I've decided that I'm going to read through the whole Bible this month. I thought about doing a specific study or meditation on a particular passage, but I want to see the Bible as a whole and see how it interacts and parallels and works together. I'm going to be reading it chronologically as detailed here.

I'm putting this here not to brag or anything, but to be public about it so I can be held accountable.

So now you think that the next thing I say that I'm not going to be writing here for the next month, but actually I probably will be writing more than normal. I need to get out all the things I'm seeing and put them on paper, so I figured here would be a good place.
If you don't want to read a lot of disjointed ramblings about God with questions and doubts and thoughts, just come back in October. :)

Also I've always been very intersted in Jewish Biblcial holidays, and I found it very cool that the autumn holidays fall in September this year. Rosh Hashanah is September 13- Jewish New Year, which is a preceded by a time of introspection and then celebrated by putting off the old year and starting fresh for a new year. Yom Kippur is September 22 - the Day of Attonement where the priest would attone for the people, and we are to confess our sins and remember that God washes us white as snow. And the Feast of Tabernacles begins on September 27 and that is for remembering the 40 years in the desert and then moving on to the promiced land - a festival of joy.
I'm not Jewish, but all of these holidays hold significance for Christians too, and they all parallel events in Christ's life. I'll probably talk more about that later - but here's a nice link if anyone wants to read now - www.biblicalholidays.com

Yes!

Christianity in America did itself a grave disservice when it relegated its concept of "moral values" toward issues of sex and drugs and away from issues of food, community, and economy. Among other things, this focus has made it easy for many of us, for a long time, to turn a blind eye on our own sins while pointing with laser sharpness at everyone else's. By turning morality into a set of simple rules--don't smoke, drink, curse, do drugs, or have sex--we have made it easy for ourselves to think we are righteous while actually living exactly the same as everyone around us.

Anyway by The Christian Environmentalist

Love and God and Lent

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred . . . let me sow love
Where there is injury . . . pardon
Where there is doubt . . . faith
Where there is despair . . . hope
Where there is darkness . . . light
Where there is sadness . . . joy
O, Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled . . . as to console
To be understood . . . as to understand,
To be loved . . . as to love
For it is in giving . . . that we receive,
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned,
It is in dying . . . that we are born to eternal life.

St. Francis of Assissi


We don't celebrate Lent at our church. But this year I wanted to. I'm not really sure why. I didn't even really know what Lent was - I just knew that people gave up sweets or meat or TV or some luxery for a period of time before Easter. So I gave up coffee. And I decided to get a Lenten devotional from the library, just in case I was missing out on some aspect of it that I didn't know about.

Earlier this year, I had been dwelling on the verses in Matthew about not worrying, and the next verse that says "Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, and all these things [your daily needs] will be added unto you" I spent a while trying to figure out exactly what it meant to 'seek the kingdom' and how to do that; but after a while it slipped my mind and I got busy with other things.

So then Lent started, and I started this wonderful devotional - it really helped me remember the very most basics of Christianity - God's grace and our need for Him. It seemed that each day's reading pertained directly with what was going on in my life that day or week. It's really a blessing.

This past weekend, Brent and I drove to Pennslylvania to his grandfather's funeral. It was about 9 hours in the car, and there was a book I wanted Brent and I to read, so I bought it on iTunes and we listened to it all the way home. The Irrisistable Revolution: Living Life as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne
I know the book has nothing to do with Lent, but it fit so well with everything that has been going through my head in the past months. If I had to sum up the book very quickly, I would say that it's about how Christians need to get back to the root of Christ and learn again how to really love one another - no matter who they are. It was a challenging book. I'd like to listen to it again and write more about it later, but the quote at the top of this post sums it up well. I've been looking at everyone I see and asking myself how I can love them more and show Christ to them.

Today my Lenten devotion was about becoming imitations of Christ - and what did Christ do better than love?

A-MEN!

What the hell happened to Christianity?

God and adoption

I've been a Christian since I was 18, but I think just the past few years I've really, really learned about God and His love. It is true that growth comes from hurt.

When we were first trying to get pregnant, it was so frustrating and I would think that God was angry with me or just trying to spite me, and that's why we weren't concieving. But I slowly learned to see God as our parent, and how He is not trying to hurt me, but cries with our pain and holds us through it.
All this is true, but I think that this adoption journey for me has shown that even more.

This past year some time, I remember being in the worship service at our church, and I was so angry and frustrated that day. Someone must have been praying, and I said to God - 'you have no idea how I feel. You have no idea how much this hurts.' And He said back to me - "Yes, I do. I waited for you. I hurt and cried because you weren't with me. And I know exactly how you feel."

Our son has no idea how much his life sucks right now. He doesn't know there's anything outside the orphanage. He doesn't know what parental love is and what a normal family life is like. As far as he's experienced, life is just sitting in a crib staring out, and there are these big, uncaring people who bring him food a couple times a day and clean him up once in a while. His life is empty and he's longing for love, even though he doesn't know what it is yet.

And my life sucks too. Not compeltely, but I know I want a child. I want to be a mom. And I know my son is somewhere out there waiting for me. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to move heaven and earth to get to him. I don't even have any idea where he is, but I'd do anything for him already. I see orphanages on TV and I cry and have to fast-forward or turn it off. I know my son needs me and I need him too.

The same is true with the Christian life. We have no idea how much our lives suck without God. Before I became a Christian, I knew of God, I had a concept of Him, but I didn't really know who He really was. I was trapped in myself, and there was this big, uncaring being who supposedly cared about me. My life was empty, and I had no idea why.
But God fought for me and moved heaven and earth to get to me. Even though I didn't know what was going on, He put people in my life and opportunities in my path so that I would find His family, and experience His love.
Now looking back, I know all the things I was missing out on. And I have them now, because my God - my father - adopted me.
I need Him, and He needs me too.

Last night I was so discouraged, and I told Brent that I didn't even want to go through with it anymore. I would be happy childless. But God didn't give up on me, and I'm not giving up on my baby boy. My son.


I love you, dear boy. I love you and I can't wait to meet you....

Substitute Worship Leader for Rent

This past weekend, I got the awesome opportunity to lead worship at a sister church to ours. They were in need of a team every week for October, so they called up our worship pastor and asked if we could send someone to help them out. Yesterday it was me, two singers, and a really great team of instrumentalists. Seriously, I could have never done it without them. I don't know much about how the musical stuff goes - I just sing along - so all the transitions and repeats and stuff were all up to Dave the Awesome Pianist. It was fun. :)

I might get to lead next weekend too, but I don't know for sure yet. If I'm not leading, I am for sure singing back up, so I'm looking forward to that too.

Last Thursday, we all practiced, and afterward I was so nervous about the weekend, that I was sick to my stomach. I almost went home, but we had practice for our church's worship team, so I stayed. I'm glad I did. The rest of the singers prayed for us, and the Worship Pastor gave a little speech about how it was his vision for our church to be helping other churches that may not have the same resources that we do (meaning volunteers or technology or information, etc). After all that, my nervousness went away completely. I've been singing in front of church since I was a kid, and never been not nervous, but this Sunday I wasn't at all. It was fun to go to a completely different church, and worship with completely different people, but the same songs and the same God. It was cool. I would totally do it again.

Selfish prayers

So I have a friend who is being really irritating lately. And every time his name comes up all I want to do is complain about what a stupid idiot he's being. But I have also been becoming increasingly uncomfortable saying stuff - and I keep thinking that I should be praying for him instead.

Do you know how hard it is to pray for someone in this situation? All I want to say is, "God, please help Friend not to be such a stupid idiot." Um, that's not right. How about, "God, give Friend wisdom." Better, but essentially the same.

Is it a little bit my fault if Friend doesn't succeed in this situation? Not that I'm going to take the blame for someone else's decisions, but I'm certainly not helping if I'm not supporting, encouraging, and praying for him.

God, help Friend succeed in everything he does, whether at work or at home. Help me to be supportive as a friend, and forgive me for talking badly about him and not being encouraging. Amen.

sub30

Last night was our church's first sub30 worship service. Sub30 is a group started by our Music Pastor and a few other people to reach out to the post highschool crowd. Previously we were just meeting at Starbucks every other Saturday to hang out, but now we are also having a worship service the first Sunday of every month - last night was the kick-off.

I got to sing on the worship team, and that was pretty cool. Then Pastor Travis (music pastor) spoke, and we had pizza afterward. There were about 40 people there - it was a good time.

Pastor Travis pointed out that most churches have really involved children's programs, and then youth group, and then nothing after that. So when young adults are making super important decisions that will impact the rest of their lives, they have no church groups to support them. There are singles groups and sometimes young married/young parents groups, but nothing for the age group in general. Hense our new sub30 group. :)

The current website is www.myspace.com/pfsub30