Attachment
Today was a difficult attachment day. It is becoming more and more apparant that Andrei has some serious issues - more than we thought.
I understand that he has had women in and out of his life for years, but yet no mother. He has not, however, had any men in his life ever. So Brent is a wholly wonderful new thing to him. A dad is awesome and wonderful. I know this. This is normal and expected. It doesn't make it hurt any less.
Andrei will go to Brent but not me. He will hug Brent like the world's going to end but won't even look up when I say his name. He doesn't notice if I go away for 2 hours, but had a melt-down because Brent was in the bathroom for 5 minutes. If I sit by him on the bed (watching TV) and reach out to touch him, he'll tolerate it for a few minutes but then move to the floor.
Brent feels bad, but I just keep reminding myself that it will get better.
We also decided to stop limiting food. After lunch he ate a huge apple and a pear. For dinner he ate a yogurt and a tomato. After that he ate a hot dog, an orange, and another tomato. Then while his mouth was still full, he was running back to the kitchen again. I offered him ice cream and he danced around and practically dug into the carton with his fingers.
A common attatchment therepy is the parent feeding the child, but only give it if they make eye contact or give a kiss. It shows them that mamas and papas provide good things, and it's okay to show love to them. We did this earlier in the week and it went fine after he understood the game.
Today I walked into the bedroom with his ice cream and turned off the TV and told him he had to come by me to get some ice cream. He hid in the corner. Brent coaxed him out and I showed Andrei that if Brent kissed me, he got ice cream. Andrei proclaimed that he didn't want ice cream - ice cream was blech. Then he hid again. Then he ran to his backpack and pulled out a pear that he had hidden. He practically inhaled it in a panic. His behavior just kept escalating and he kept running through the apt. and the neighbors started pounding on the wall so we picked him up and pulled him into the second bedroom.
He played with the blinds for a bit and then we proclaimed it bedtime. He shreiked and we laid him down. He fake snored and kept sitting up and we kept telling him it was sleep time. Then he started crying a bit, said "I want ..something I didn't understand.." and completely passed out.
Poor baby. :( Actually he's more like a wild animal - completely afraid and feral.
He's sleeping and Brent is playing PSP - afraid to leave him alone. If he wakes up alone he might completely freak out.
So today was not so great. It actually started out well, but just went downhill from about lunch. Then for dinner I thought I had made Brent and I cheese ravioli but it was some weird cream cheese frosting ravioli. ? What the heck? Who would eat that? It was disgusting.
It helps that DH and Andrei go to bed so early because I can have a few hours to myself to regroup and psyche myself up for the next day.
-----
One more thing.
I hate to say this so close to Christmas and Andrei's birthday.... Another common attachment therapy is to prevent the giving of gifts to the child by anyone but the parents. All and any good things must come from mama and papa. Especially candy or sweets. So, grandparents and friends, just warning you now. I hope it doesn't come down to that, but it might. I know you want to spoil him rotten, but you'll have many Christmases and birthdays in the future to do so.
I understand that he has had women in and out of his life for years, but yet no mother. He has not, however, had any men in his life ever. So Brent is a wholly wonderful new thing to him. A dad is awesome and wonderful. I know this. This is normal and expected. It doesn't make it hurt any less.
Andrei will go to Brent but not me. He will hug Brent like the world's going to end but won't even look up when I say his name. He doesn't notice if I go away for 2 hours, but had a melt-down because Brent was in the bathroom for 5 minutes. If I sit by him on the bed (watching TV) and reach out to touch him, he'll tolerate it for a few minutes but then move to the floor.
Brent feels bad, but I just keep reminding myself that it will get better.
We also decided to stop limiting food. After lunch he ate a huge apple and a pear. For dinner he ate a yogurt and a tomato. After that he ate a hot dog, an orange, and another tomato. Then while his mouth was still full, he was running back to the kitchen again. I offered him ice cream and he danced around and practically dug into the carton with his fingers.
A common attatchment therepy is the parent feeding the child, but only give it if they make eye contact or give a kiss. It shows them that mamas and papas provide good things, and it's okay to show love to them. We did this earlier in the week and it went fine after he understood the game.
Today I walked into the bedroom with his ice cream and turned off the TV and told him he had to come by me to get some ice cream. He hid in the corner. Brent coaxed him out and I showed Andrei that if Brent kissed me, he got ice cream. Andrei proclaimed that he didn't want ice cream - ice cream was blech. Then he hid again. Then he ran to his backpack and pulled out a pear that he had hidden. He practically inhaled it in a panic. His behavior just kept escalating and he kept running through the apt. and the neighbors started pounding on the wall so we picked him up and pulled him into the second bedroom.
He played with the blinds for a bit and then we proclaimed it bedtime. He shreiked and we laid him down. He fake snored and kept sitting up and we kept telling him it was sleep time. Then he started crying a bit, said "I want ..something I didn't understand.." and completely passed out.
Poor baby. :( Actually he's more like a wild animal - completely afraid and feral.
He's sleeping and Brent is playing PSP - afraid to leave him alone. If he wakes up alone he might completely freak out.
So today was not so great. It actually started out well, but just went downhill from about lunch. Then for dinner I thought I had made Brent and I cheese ravioli but it was some weird cream cheese frosting ravioli. ? What the heck? Who would eat that? It was disgusting.
It helps that DH and Andrei go to bed so early because I can have a few hours to myself to regroup and psyche myself up for the next day.
-----
One more thing.
I hate to say this so close to Christmas and Andrei's birthday.... Another common attachment therapy is to prevent the giving of gifts to the child by anyone but the parents. All and any good things must come from mama and papa. Especially candy or sweets. So, grandparents and friends, just warning you now. I hope it doesn't come down to that, but it might. I know you want to spoil him rotten, but you'll have many Christmases and birthdays in the future to do so.
posted by Tracy at 11:22 AM
5 Comments:
(((HUGS))) I just wanted to let you know again that I'm praying for you.
Hi Tracy,
While I don't know all of the details of Andrei's history I do know this: you have a huge learning curve ahead of you and you are barely at square one in a very foreign land.
You have not had the luxury of being new parent with Andrei when he was a baby. Be careful not to over analyze the situation. Hang in there. Things will change dramatically for the better once you have been home for a while and life becomes more routine.
Also, keep in mind he is a boy. That may seem like a stupid observation, but it can explain a lot of behavior. Boys are not girls so don't be surprised if Andrei prefers to pound on Brent rather than cuddle with you. From what you have written, it appears that he is already showing signs of bonding and attaching.
You have a lot of people praying for you and your family. You have a wonderful husband who is committed to this and has traveled to the other side of the world to become a parent right along with you. It will not be long before you begin referring to each other as "mom" and "dad". How cool is that!?
Enjoy your vacation of a life time.
I second that!! Well said! Tracy, you and Brent are very blessed to have each other and Andrei is blessed to have you both! (Phil 2:1-2 You are making God's joy complete!)
Yeah, Brent didn't think anything was that weird either, until we both saw Andrei go so such great lengths to avoid me even though I had Ice cream. It was bizzare.
But now he's seeming to warm up to me, so things are better. :)
Sorry you had a rough day, Tracy. It's amazing how even though you can tell yourself that things should be expected, it doesn't usually make you feel any better!
Kids are funny. I think they look for things to control since they really have no power over anything. And if they know you want them to do something, it's fun for them to deny you that pleasure! I know you've mentioned Andrei has some weird food behavior. I'm pretty sure that's also a control issue. He's going to learn that he does have control over aspects of his life now and things will improve.
Keep repeating to yourself "This is my baptism by fire!" Life will be so much easier once you're home! These days are about survival!
And, more pictures, please! :)
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