What's going on in that head of mine

I haven't written in a while, and one of the reasons is that my work has blocked blogger.com. And that is when I would write. So that's my excuse.
Plus, I feel like I have nothing to write about. I feel like this has become the adoption blog and that was not my intention. It want it to be about everything. But since there are no adoption updates, I have nothing else going on, I guess. I'll try and come up with some more meaningless fodder in the future :)

So this post is actually going to be about adoption, even though there is nothing new to report. Just some random thoughts...

I'm finding myself identifying more with being a mom, but also I feel like I'm playing pretend. I've asked in stores if they give discounts for homeshcooling parents. I've shopped at Gymboree and said I had a 6yo son. It's weird. I feel like they're going to call me on it - ask me where he is, and then I'll have to confess that I'm not really a mom yet. Although a friend of mine told me that just the fact that I walked into a Gymboree makes me a mom. :)
I have his picture on my phone and will show anyone who will look. It's on my desk at work too. I have become the weird lady that stares at other peoples children. I was babysitting yesterday and called the poor kid Andrei at least twice. I feel like I've been in mommy pergatory for the past 3 years - ever since we started TTC. Now I'm actually getting close, but I still have no idea when it will be.
It makes planning for the future very difficult. Even the immediate future. What will Christmas be like? Crazy if he's here? Depressed if we haven't gotten him yet? Maybe we'll be in Russia - now that would be crazy.

I'm completely terrified of this parenting thing. That's all new parents, of course, but I think this is different. If we were to have a baby, we could bond and get to know him while he was still small and new (and immobile). There is a child coming into our home who already has his own history and opinions and favorites. And I have my own history and opinions and rules. And we have no way of telling each other. If I think I'm afraid, I cant imagine how Andrei will feel.

Also, this whole process has changed my view on money, and not so much a good way. When Brent and I were first married, we were check-to-check poor. One unexpected event and we were screwed. Now we have a lot of savings in the bank - for the trip, of course. But it feels weird. If we need something, we can actually afford it. Not that we should buy it - we should be much more frugal. We should still be scrimping and preparing for the trip, but it's a lot harder when you don't have to. Except we kind of do have to since we're paying on our adoption loan now. We actually have less money than we did before, but it sure doesn't feel like it.
Also, my cost perception has changed. After paying $200 for this fee and $600 for that fee and then another $2000 for something else - nothing really seems expensive anymore. It's bad for my shopping budget. I spent $40 on Andrei's winter coat. Now granted, it was a really nice coat, and it was on sale. But I don't even spend that amount of money on myself. My winter coat cost $7 at Goodwill. But $40 isn't really that much. Is it? I cant tell anymore. At least I'm not going crazy and buying $150 tricycles. ;)

When I think about the next year, it's just a big blank in my mind. I can't even wrap my head around what it will be like. I daydream about seeing him again and being in Russia with him. I'm starting to plan things we can do for homeschooling. But after that - nothing. This is new territory for me, and for Andrei too. And it's terrifying and exciting and nervewrecking and joyful and sad and happy and everything in between.